And
then Brad Pitt showed up
Helen
Fielding | The Guardian Weekend - March 1, 2008
Helen
at the Grand Canyon
©
Brian
Harkin
It
was meant to be a Thelma and Louise kind of journey – minus the
driving the car off a cliff, of course. Helen Fielding and her friend
Tina packed the hair tongs and headed for one of the wonders of the
world.
Unlike some wonders of the world, the Grand Canyon is
better in real life than you could ever imagine. Apart from one hotel
on the rim which is inexplicably built in the style of a 1970s
polytechnic, it is unspoilt, unfenced, silent, awesome and utterly
astounding. The shock of the first view makes you gasp. You wish you
could have come across it by chance like an early pioneer, or Thelma and
Louise. Next best is to arrive, as we did, at night, then get your first
glimpse in the silence before the sun and the visitors arrive.
Our trip was actually a Thelma and Louise kind of trip in that Tina and
I were bunking off from real life to the desert, though the intention
was not to shoot anyone. At LA airport I felt drunk with excitement at
going on a plane without infants, delirious at not having to wrestle a
pram into the toilets, or spend the entire flight with one hand groping
in a bag of squashed banana.
I became Thelma from the outset, owing to bringing an insane amount of
luggage. It was all compacted into one smallish carry-on, but rather in
the way that written-off cars are compacted into dense cubes of metal in
wrecking yards. By the time we got to the gate, I needed a chiropractor,
not a mini-break. Hair-straightening tongs? Three changes of outfit?
What was I thinking? When we switched to a tiny plane at Phoenix, I
ended up crashing down the aisle with the heavier-than-lead bag, now
augmented by southwestern souvenirs and collapsible wheels which
didn’t work.
“In the unlikely event of a water landing between here and Flagstaff,
your lifejacket is under your seat,” said the stewardess as we took
off for the hour-long desert flight. In fact, we were more likely to hit
a swimming pool or golf course water feature than sand. Phoenix formed
an extraordinary geometric pattern of hundreds of thousands of pools,
fringed by the green swirls of the fairways. Soon, though, irrigation
gave way to arid plains and, as the sun sank, we began a spectacular
descent over the red rocks, mesas and ravines of Sedona, plunging so
close we feared we might be skewered by a pinnacle.
Flagstaff felt suddenly remote. Night was falling, there was snow on the
ground and the temperature was slipping below freezing. We’d
originally thought of an open-top car but were glad now to pick up a
sturdy FWD Jeep for the 90-minute drive ahead. As we left the city
lights and plunged into the blackness of the Coconino forest, the sun
was blazing red behind the trees like a menacing fire, and the
headlights caught the shadowy figures of elk and the flash of coyote
eyes. It was a relief to emerge on to a frozen plain, with the mountains
ahead still glowing pink from the sunset. There were buffalo on the
plain and, in a remote farmstead, one of the few white buffalo in the
world. “Very Lucky,” the sign told us: “Come in and make a
wish.” We both wished we could get to the hotel really soon. We were
driving through a flat and almost featureless landscape now, yet just
ahead was a gash in the earth’s crust so vast it is visible from
space. I fancied I could sense its energy pulsing. “Look,” said
Tina. “Shut up and watch the road.” As we entered the national park,
we both grew silent, anxious that we might take a wrong turn and slither
over the edge. When the lights of the tiny South Rim village finally
appeared, we gratefully stumbled through the snowy car park, dragging
the monstrous bag towards the grand old El Tovar lodge.
The El Tovar is a splendid place, one of several national park lodges
built at the turn of the century by the owners of the new rail-roads.
Part Swiss chalet, part hunting lodge, it has roaring fires, a huge,
atmospheric dining room and dark walls made from tree trunks decorated
with the heads of elk, moose and mountain sheep. The lodge was
originally called El To Bar after a Spanish explorer but, fearing this
might encourage guests to tumble from train to bar and over the edge,
the management changed the B to V. This was probably wise since the rim
is astonishingly un-protected: no nets, no fences, no warning signs.
Apparently a surprising number of fatal falls are the result of people
being so relaxed that they pretend to fall in to amuse their friends.
But then it is the Grand Canyon, 18 miles wide, 277 miles long. Who are
you going to sue?
After dinner we ventured out and rather frightened ourselves. It was
dark and icy, with only a low wall between us and the abyss. You could
feel there was something huge and terrifying out there but you
couldn’t see it. “What hath God wrought?” intoned Tina in a silly
voice. But neither of us could sleep that night and our heads, rather
than calmed by new-agey vibes, were buzzing with strange canyon energy.
We had been given the two best suites in the house (the rooms on the
whole are rather austere and without views), with huge terraces opening right on to the canyon. At first
light, we stepped outside and there was the moment: mile upon mile of
peaks, rock walls and ravines, unbelievable in the soft grey light.
Moments later, a single dent in the rocks 10 miles away turned a
brilliant red, catching the first ray of the rising sun, followed over
the next hour by another, and then another, until the whole majestic
spectacle glowed with a spectrum of oranges, purples and red. It was
vital that we got off bright and early for the rest of our epic journey,
but after the sunrise there was breakfast to be dealt with and then a
walk along the rim trail. We were visiting at the quietest time of year,
between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and what with the snow and
decorations, it was quite festive and magical. We really were just about
to set off when we got a message. The photographer! He turned out to be
a charming young whippersnapper – suddenly we were Thelma and Louise
again, and Brad Pitt had shown up. I rushed back to tong my hair (thank
God I brought the irons!) and spent ages posing on the edge of the Grand
Canyon, laughing gaily and draping myself perilously against a
precipice, while Tina got more and more Louise-like, hissing, “We’re
supposed to be in the Painted Desert.” By the time we set off it was
ipm and we managed to get lost in the employees’ trailer park. As we
drove repeatedly past the same inflatable Santa and bloodied deerskin
drying on a washing line, we felt less and less like Thelma and Louise,
and more like extras in Deliverance.
Eventually, we got back on Desert View Drive, which follows the canyon
rim for 25 miles, passing a series of jaw-dropping scenic overlooks and
some gorgeous examples of 1930s arty national park architecture. Our
favourite was the Mary Colter Watchtower, a circular stone tower so
rough-hewn that it looks like part of the canyon walls it rises from.
As we left the Grand Canyon and resumed the circular drive back to
Flagstaff, we began to panic about time and I put on a tape of calming
Native American flute music, at which Tina complained that it felt as if
we were in a spa. It suited the landscape, though, as the road meandered
along the edge of the Little Colorado River Gorge. This was Navajo
country and the Native Americans – racially stereotyping their own
proud tribe in order to sell stuff – had punctuated the roadside with
luminous signs: “Got Turquoise?” “Bows! Arrows! Peace pipes!”
“Nice Indians Ahead!”
Beyond the river, the Painted Desert unfolded, a vista of low rock
formations shimmering in shades of pink, gold and lilac, like a
not-very-realistic oil painting. As the flute music warbled, the vibe of
a hundred American road movies seeped into our bones: the huge skies,
cloud formations, gas stations, telegraph wires, and here and there a
glimpse of the old Wild West: a herd of horses, a cowboy driving them
home. There was so much left to see – a petrified forest, Route 66,
Monument Valley a half day away – but we were all but missing the
plane.
It was a ludicrously short journey. Had we not spent so long with Brad
Pitt and the inflatable Santa, it would have been a longer journey, but
no matter. Seeing the grandeur of the Grand Canyon at dawn was a
spiritual experience that will stay with me for ever, and to which I now
retreat whenever I am struggling with my hair-straightening irons.
Helen Fielding travelled with Kuoni Travel (01306 747008; kuoni.co.uk),
which can tailor-make itineraries to the US and offers a seven-night
fly-drive to Las Vegas, including flights from Heathrow and car hire.
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