Tuesday September 13th 7.30pm.
Gaaah. Had just been phone-obsessing with Jude re: England cricket team
winning the Ashes. Having previously dismissed cricket as entirely
asexual game played - apart from Imran Khan - by dull men in scratchy
white flannels, we were both startled and aroused by pert, hungover
youths in sunglasses, triumphantly waving their little urn of Ashes on
open-topped bus, realising too late what we had been missing. "It's
a bit of a weird prize, though. I mean, ieuw, morbid - whose ashes are
in there?" said Jude. I
thought it was the ashes of WC Fields or WC Grace, but Jude - believing
him to be the author of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - went to
check it out on Google. "Hi,
is it the Queen Mother?" I giggled into receiver when she rang back.
Only it wasn't Jude. There was a pause, then a familiar, abrupt voice
said: "Oddly enough, no." I froze, heart lurching. It was Mark Darcy. Have
not heard from Mark since passionate not-back-together shag during heady
London Blitz/Cafe de Paris-eat-drink-and-be-merry-for-tomorrow-we-die
atmosphere of Live8 and London bombings. Only
we didn't die and he didn't ring. Just hearing his voice brought home
reality of situation. Am
actually pregnant - after all those humiliating months of trying and
failing - but now do not know whether father is him or arch-rival
Daniel. If Mark found out it would kill him. Well, maybe not actually
kill... "Still
there, are we?" he said in his terse way, suggesting torrid seas of
emotion surging beneath. "Everything all right?" "Superb!
Absolutely fine," I lied trillingly. "You?" "Yes,
yes, only... I was just driving home and... it was the strangest thing.
Found myself following a car with the nozzle and hose from a petrol pump
still attached and trailing along the road. I know there's been panic at
the pumps, but really. I thought I was going to have to make a citizen's
arrest." "Why?
Would that be illegal?" I said, wondering why, instead of apologising,
he was telling me this admittedly quirky but essentially
irrelevant-to-our-situation tale. "Technically
speaking, yes. But what I mean is, the only reason someone would speed
off with the nozzle still in the car, surely, would be if they were on
the run from the police." "What
if they just forgot to take it out?" "How
could one possibly do that?" "Well,
you know. If you were thinking about something else, once it was full,
you might just think, 'Oh, goody', and drive off. Glad it wasn't me,
anyway." "Funny
you should say that. That is your car parked outside, is it?" My
mind starting whirring. "But I haven't panic-bought any petrol today." "Oh
Christ." "What?" "When
did you last panic-buy petrol?" I
thought hard. "Two days ago." "You
mean, you've been driving round with half a petrol pump attached to your
car for two days?" "It's
not half a petrol pu..." I trailed off, looking out of the window
aghast. How could I possibly not have noticed? "How
could you possibly not have noticed?" said Mark "I..."
I tried to cast my mind back to the petrol station: the long queues of
panic buyers, the search for the petrol tank. Had
there been a tug as I pulled away? The
truth is, it happens so often in car parks and petrol stations that you
bump into a pillar or drive over a traffic cone that you don't really
pay that much attention, do you? "Have
other drivers not tried to alert you?" I
cast my mind back. I mean, again, doesn't everybody find other drivers
honking at them all the time? People are so rude and impatient when they're
driving these days, that honking, which should be reserved for a genuine
need to alert, becomes a reflex action for many drivers. "I'm
coming upstairs," he said. I
gasped: "What are you doing upstairs?" "I'm
not upstairs and I'm not 'coming' in that sense. I'm outside the flat
and I'm proposing that I come up to see you." "But
what are you doing outside the flat? And how come you saw my petrol
hose? Have you been following me?" "Sometimes
I come home this way," he said abruptly, "For old times' sake." Heart
racing, I pressed the buzzer, remembering how Mark used to secretly
drive past my house when we first met. Once
he stopped when I'd lost my keys, took his shirt off and climbed through
the window and we went upstairs and shagged. Suddenly
felt both sad and happy because all that passion had degenerated into
the tit-for-tat resentfulness of the last six months: but then he had
started driving past my flat again so had not degenerated that much. Then
unfortunately had to dive off to bathroom to vomit. Was just lying on
floor, thinking if Mark turned out to be the father it would all be so
marvellous - like end of a movie - that he probably isn't the father,
because life never is marvellous like end of a movie, and wondering
whether I dare tell him, when bathroom door burst open. Looked
up with mouth open, drooling slightly. Mark was standing there in his
suit, fingers twitching. "Bridget. Have you been taking Class A
substances?" "No,"
I said indignantly. "I am being sick" "And
why, pray, are you being sick at seven o'clock in the evening?" He
looked so angry, I lost my nerve: "I'm drunk!" "I
see." he glanced suspiciously round the bathroom. "Any particular
reason?" "High
spirits," I managed, as I reared up towards loo again. "Oh
for God's sakes. This explains everything." he said furiously and strode
out of the room, slamming the door. Rested
head on my arms, hearing him thundering down the stairs and thinking
that Daniel had been much nicer about my vomiting, and I hadn't even
been sick in Mark Darcy's car. At
this rate am not going to end days with either of them in ash-form on
mantlepiece in an urn. |