Friday
14 April Noon.
Wiltshire countryside. Am going mad. Just pulled over on side of road,
traumatised, and called Daniel on mobile. "Jones,
my precious. Everything all right? "Not
really," I said shakily. "Something very strange is going
on." "What's
happened? Have you been visited by the Angel Gabriel? Or was it the
Easter Bunny? Both of them together, perhaps? Have you just drunk a
jeroboam of champagne in a fit of Good Friday high spirits, then
realised what you've done?" "No,"
I said, brows lowered, thinking it wasn't really right for Daniel to
take the piss out of me when I was parked in the Wiltshire countryside,
pregnant and alone. "What
then, my plumptious?" "I've
just seen a train with a human face." "I'm
sorry?" "You
heard," I said, darkly. "It was smiling." "But
Jones, how lovely! Perhaps it's something in a toyshop window which has
caught your eye. Shall we buy it for the baby?" "Daniel."
I said, looking from side to side. "I'm in the middle of nowhere
trying to find Magda's fucking barn. I've just seen a blue train with a
face chugging along the railway track by the side of the road." "A
blue train?" "Yes,
bright blue. With a smil ing face." "Darling,
you haven't been sleeping very well, lately have you? Maybe it's
something to do with projecting about the baby." I
held the phone away from my ear, furious. People are so quick to dismiss
pregnant people as lunatics. I actually might start some sort of PC
campaign for pregnant people where you're not allowed to call them
"pregnant" any more but have to say, "doubly
humaned" or "baby-growingly challenged", or similar.
Suddenly I gripped the steering wheel in alarm. "There's
another one." I said, shrinking down in the driver's seat. "A
red one with a face. It looks as though it's been crying." There
was a pause: "Bridget? Has anyone in your family every been
diagnosed with schizophrenia?" "Honestly,"
I burst out. "This is really very frightening. Something is
happening which makes no sense and I'm caught up in the middle of it.
I'm trying to keep calm and I'm calling you for help and all you're
doing is taking the piss out of me. It really makes me wonder if ... Oh
my God." "What?" "There's
another one coming, and it looks really angry." "Are
they steam trains?" "This
one is just square at the front like a normal train." "A
diesel train?" "Yes,
but with a face - an angry face. Now it's chasing the red one. Maybe
that's why the red one's crying. Daniel it's..." "OK
Bridget, here's what we're going to do. You're going to stay where you
are. You're going to look at a map and try to explain to me where you
are and then I'm going to call Magda and Jeremy and ask them to come for
you." "I'm
not staying here! It's not safe!" I yelled. "It's full of
crying trains with faces. I'm going to keep driving. Call the
police." 4pm.
Daniel had obviously called Magda and told her I'd gone mad. Although
Magda refuses to believe a word Daniel says, and refused to have him
down for Easter, she had obviously taken some notice as she and Jeremy
were outside waiting for me wearing overly bright kindly smiles. Instead
of ushering me into the kitchen for lunch Magda insisted on taking me
into the never-used "Drawing Room" for a cup of tea. "The
later stages of pregnancy can be really very stressful," she said.
"The hormones are raging all over the shop, and especially if you
haven't got everything sorted out - where to live? whether to live with
the father? - you know, it really can make you feel very strange. I used
to imagine all sorts of nonsense!!" Felt
was in the middle of conspiracy, and was going to end up being certified
and having the baby taken away. Next thing, Jeremy appeared beaming
maniacally. "Mag, can I borrow you for a mo?" Could hear them
whispering outside, then Magda reappeared. "Bridget - Mark Darcy's
just arrived. It was supposed to be a surprise but I don't want to
startle you. Are you sure you wouldn't like a bit of a sleep rather than
facing the hordes?" "Oh,
come on!" bellowed Jeremy. "Bit of roast lamb and Mark Darcy
should sort her out. Wouldn't mention the train stuff, though, Bridge,
if I were you." Someone,
however, obviously had mentioned "the train stuff" because the
minute I entered the kitchen, Cosmo - drunk - started making train
whistle noises and charging round the table, going:
"Chufferchuffer! Chufferchuffer. Look out, Bridget - it's a train
with two legs and a face." "But
no brain..." said a familiar voice, adding: "Or tact or
manners. Bridget, come and sit down." Mark was holding out the
chair next to him. "Frankly I'm surprised at Cosmo. For a lawyer to
discount the report of a witness entirely on the basis of his own
prejudice is unexpectedly dim." "Oh,
Cosmo's a total arse," said Magda. "Now Mark, did you cry
during Brokeback Mountain like Jeremy? We were just saying how the men
cried far more than the women. We've decided you're all in mourning for
your inner gay." Everyone
laughed strainedly. Felt like the schizophrenic child whose eccentric
behaviour everyone was trying to compensate for. "Look,"
I burst out. "I saw three trains with human faces. I'm not
imagining it, I'm not mad. And if you don't believe me, you can drive
out there and see for yourself." Fourteen
silent, concerned stares were directed towards me. Just then, the door
burst open and Trinny Horsewell-Dundass burst in, followed by two small
children and three large, leaping dogs. "Sorr-reeee.
Just been at Ropley station for A Day out With Thomas the Tank Engine.
Marvellous! All these life-size steam engines all done up like Thomas,
James and the Naughty Diesel, giving rides and racing each other up and
down the track. Couldn't bloody well tear ourselves away!" You see? Hahahahahahaha. One day they will all be sorry. |