Things
are not going well. Left work early to submit Daniel's fingernail to DNA
clinic (not in the best condition owing to Shazzer keeping it "safe" in
the top of cigarette lighter then forgetting to remove before she lit up
fag). Had to fill in form explaining how pregnant was etc, which
receptionist then entered into computer, chatting to me in what seemed
inappropriately cheery manner given the circumstances. Maybe she was
trying to finesse - as we in television say - the awkwardness of dual
paternity issue. Or maybe she was so used to the situation that it was
all in a day's work, like funeral director making jolly quips about
Camilla-chic whilst filling in a form asking which embalming package you
wanted. "You
must be excited," she trilled. "Is this your first?" "Certainly
is!" I said with the tense faux-jollity of radio phone-in listener. She
glanced up at me as she typed, then, after a pause, as if a propos of
nothing inquired: "Did you hear about that woman in Italy who had a baby
when she was 56?" Staggered
home, reeling, through darkness, lethal slippery leaves and driving
rain, wishing was child bride with cosy weekend cottage in Oxfordshire
where could bake apple crumble in Aga, looking even younger in glow from
inglenook fireplace. Dragged self up stairs to find boiler gone out and
- with fleeting promise - answerphone flashing. Was my mother: "Oh
hello, darling. Just ringing to see what you wanted for Christmas." Flirted
briefly with calling back and asking for a bottle steriliser, but the
phone rang again. This time was Tom in San Francisco, asking if he was a
horrible person. Great
thing about Tom is, he knows about baby, but is so self-absorbed that it
never occurs to him to bring it up until end of conversation, when he
suddenly remembers and panics. Knew already, therefore, that however the
"am-I-a-horrible-person?" debate resolved itself, it was bound to end
with Tom remembering he'd forgotten to ask about the pregnancy and thus
deciding he was horrible person anyway. Source
of current neurosis was that Tom had seen Jesus at front of queue at his
gym snack bar, gone to say "hi", then asked Jesus to order him a
wheatgrass smoothie (Jesus, from El Salvador, is Tom's latest nightmare
ex), at which man behind Jesus said, "Excuse me, I think I was next. " "The
thing is," Tom obsessed, "the thought of jumping the queue had - I think
- actually taken seed in my mind when I decided to say hello to Jesus.
So I did actually want to queue jump. I'm one of those people who
coldly, cynically tries to make things better for themselves at the
expense of others. Like people who deliberately avoid buying a round in
the pub by going to the toilet." "But
wait," I said, happy to escape from my own fucked-up mind, if only for a
moment. "The moral issue you're ignoring, Tom, is: is it actually
queue-jumping if you join someone else in that queue and ask them to get
you something?" "I
think if I'd joined Jesus strictly to talk to him..." "Yup,
yup..." "...and
then Jesus had said, ‘Do you want something?' and..." "Yup,
yup, yup." "Bridget,"
he said urgently, suddenly cutting to the chase. "Am I a horrible
person?" Lurched back on sofa, wrong-footed, thinking hard. Certainly
Tom isn't non-horrible person in conventional sense of saying: "That
colour looks really pretty on you," to people, or running half-marathons
for Breast Cancer. Realise I like my friends being horrible people, at
least in that they enjoy talking about others behind their backs.
Started to think maybe I was a horrible person too, for not reminding
Tom I was pregnant . But then if I reminded him, would I be like the man
in the queue who could easily have left him in an innocent state of... "OK,
Bridget, you've said enough." "But
I didn't..." "No.
It's fine. Really. That's all I wanted to know." "No
wait. I'm just feeling a bit..." "You're pregnant and I forgot. You see?
Horrible person. Bye." Oh
God. Should go to gym like Tom. Wish pregnancy was still like in
Princess Diana's day when you simply hid under Mothercare smock for nine
months. Now is insane pressure to appear in full evening dress with
highly toned arms. Fuck it. Is too rainy. Will go tomorrow. Sunday
23 October Finally
got to gym to find naked pregnant girl in there, smugly humming Bach
cantata . Hate people who hum classical music. Is sort of thing Freddo
at work does: as if saying, "God's in his heaven, and I got a first in
PPE at Cambridge." Cantata-girl's
stomach was enormous protruding thing with inside-out navel, but rest of
her - arms, legs, bum etc - were really thin: in sharp contrast to own
body which seems to have got sort of wide, like Ann Widdecombe: as if a
particularly strong gust of wind might carry me quite away. Felt
totally convinced that no one could actually tell I was pregnant, but
suddenly, when naked, found naked Cantata-girl staring with
head-on-side, knowing smile. "Five
months?" she said. Tried
to absorb new horror: recent, growing conviction that have put on more
weight than am supposed to at this point now confirmed. Nodded mutely,
then rushed to mirror, hysterically, grabbing a hairdryer and starting
to blow madly at totally dry hair. "Oh!
Excuse me!" Turned to see a woman banging down hairbrush and flouncing
off. Had inadvertently nicked her hairdryer when she was mid-toilette.
Like Tom, am horrible person as well as looking 56 years old and five
months pregnant. "It's
Bridget, isn't it?" Was Cantata-girl again: "Amy Benwick - Daddy works
with Mark. We had you over for dinner once." Blanched,
trying to remember which nightmare scary-lawyer occasion that was. "I
didn't know you and Mark were having a baby. Congratulations!" |