Tuesday 22 August Can't
decide whether to go to Edinburgh. Loads of people are going, but I'm
supposed to be at the Alconbury's Tarts and Vicars party on Sunday. Also
everyone will be more successful and having a better time than me. Wednesday 23 August Definitely
going to Edinburgh. Una Alconbury called - ostensibly to tell me
Geoffrey's in a state about people seeing his buddleia because of the
hosepipe ban so they're delaying the Tarts and Vicars until the 2nd -
but actually to say, "So, when are you going to get yourself
married, then?" Also Daniel is working. Thursday 24 August I'm
staying in London. I always think I'm going to enjoy going to Edinburgh,
then end up only being able to get into the mime acts. Also, you dress
for summer, then it's freezing cold and you have to teeter shivering for
miles up cobblestone precipices, thinking everyone else is at a big
party. Friday 25 August 7pm. I am
going to Edinburgh. Today Perpetua said, "Bridget, this is absurdly
short notice, but it's just occurred to me, I've taken a flat up there -
I'd adore it if you wanted to stay..." So generous and hospitable
of her. 10pm. Just
called Perpetua and told her I'm not coming. It's all stupid. I can't
afford it. Saturday 26 August 8.30am.
Right, I'm going to have a quiet, healthy time at home. Lovely. I might
finish The Famished Road. 9am. Oh
God, I'm so depressed. Everybody's gone to Edinburgh except me. 9.15am. I
wonder if Perpetua's left yet? Midnight -
Edinburgh Oh
God. I must go to see something tomorrow. Perpetua thinks I'm mad, She
spent the entire train journey with the portable phone pressed to her
ear, bellowing at the rest of us, "Arthur Smith's Hamlet is
completely booked up, so we could go to the Coen brothers instead at
five, but that means we'll be too late for Richard Herring. So shall we
not go to Jenny Éclair... - chuh! I frankly I don't know why she still
bothers - and do Lanark, then try to get into Harry Hill or Bondages and
Julian Clary. Hang on, I'll try the Gilded Balloon. No, Harry Hill's
booked up, so shall we skip the Coen brothers?" I
said I'd meet them at the Plaisance at six because I wanted to go to the
George Hotel and leave a message for Tom, and I bumped into Tina in the
bar. I didn't realise how far it was to the Plaisance, and when I got
there it had started and there were no seats left. Secretly relieved, I
walked or rather abseiled back to the flat, picked up a lovely jacket
potato with a chicken curry and watched Casualty. 1 was supposed to meet
Perpetua at the Assembly Rooms at nine. By the time I was ready it was
8.45, but I didn't realise you couldn't ring out on the phone, so I
couldn't book a taxi, and by the time I got there, it was too late. 1
went back to the George bar to look for Tina. I'd just got myself a
Bloody Mary and was trying to pretend I didn't mind not having any
friends when I noticed a flurry of lights and cameras in one corner and
nearly screamed. It was my mother, done up like Marianne Faithfull and
about to interview Alan Yentob. "Absolute quiet everyone!" she
trilled in a Una Alconbury flower-arranging voice. "Action!!!! Tell
me, Alan," she said, turning sepulchral, "Have you ever had...
suicidal thoughts?" The
telly's been quite good tonight, actually. Sunday 27 August 2am. Can't
get to sleep. I bet they're all at a really nice party. 3am.
Perpetua's back, giving her verdict on the alternative comedians.
"Puerile... completely childish... just silly." I think she
might have misunderstood something somewhere along the line. 5am. There
is a man in the house. I can just tell. 6am. He's
in Debby from marketing's room. Blimey. 9.30am.
Woken by Perpetua bellowing: "Anyone coming to the poetry
reading!!" Then it all went quiet, and I heard Debby and the man
whispering and him going into the kitchen. Then Perpetua's voice boomed
out: "What are you doing here?!! I said NO OVERNIGHT GUESTS." 2pm. Oh my
God, I've overslept. 7pm. -
King's Cross Train Oh
God... I met Tina in the George at three. We were going to go to a
Question and Answer session, but we had a few Bloody Mary's and
remembered that Question and Answer sessions have a bad effect on us.You
get hypertense trying to think up a question, putting your hand up and
down, then finally get to ask it, in a semi-crouching position, and odd
high-pitched voice, then sit frozen with embarrassment, nodding like a
dog in the back of the car whilst a 20-minute answer is directed at you.
Before we knew where we were, it was 5.30. Then Perpetua appeared with a
whole bunch of people from the office. "Ah,
Bridget," she bellowed. "What have you been to see?"
There was a big silence. "Actually, I'm just about to go
to..." I began confidently "...get the train." "You
haven't been to see anything at all, have you?" she hooted.
"Anyway, you owe me pounds 75 for the room." "
What?" I stammered. "Yes," she yelled. "It would
have been pounds 50, but it's 50 per cent extra if there's two people in
the room." "But...
but, there weren't..." "Oh,
come on, Bridget, we all knew you had a man in there," she
bellowed. "Remember, dear, it isn't love, it's only Edinburgh.
Don't worry, we won't tell Daniel." |