units in first 6 months of year: 3,497 (normal).
units in second 6 months of year: 0 (vg).
pregnancies disguised as imaginary menopauses: 1.
lost: 114 (vg).
gained: 127 (v bad).
consumed in first 6 months of year: 11 (approx).
consumed in second half of year 1,100 (approx)(bad).
achievement of year: creating unborn baby.
drawback to proudest achievement of year: Creating said unborn baby via
drunken shag with emotional fuckwit.
achievement of year as British citizen: Brave way dealt with London
bombings: even though consisted mainly of walking part of way home once
in bare feet before finding taxi.
piece of British political timing: Abolition of licensing hours just
when have got pregnant and given up drinking.
favourite political person of year: President Bush - for still being
Global Superpower Leader despite a) very stupid; b) massive fuck-up re:
New Orleans toxic soup. And c) still pretending is all right about
invading Iraq; even though is now obvious he simply got mixed up and
thought Iraq had invaded World Trade Centre.
political or world leader of year: Prince William - owing to being both
attractive, caring and responsible doing mountain rescue and visiting
homeless when could easily be jetting round world on freebies in manner
of Fergie and modelling for Hugo Boss.
Motherism of year:
place: Justifying third helping of dessert, fourth phone call of day to
self etc etc last summer by saying "You have to carry on as normal, don't
you? or otherwise the bombers will have won."
up: Encouraging self to adopt Chinese or Ethiopian baby in order to
attract a man in manner of Angelina "Jolly" with Brad Pitt.
On receiving news of self's pregnancy with her first grandchild,
snapping "You'll have to get it checked out, you know, because it could
easily come out a mongol at your age."
impressive driving manoeuvre of year:
Driving away from petrol station with pump still attached to car.
up: Not noticing above had happened for three days, till Mark Darcy
thing about being pregnant:
going to have baby.
no longer tragic barren spinster.
have little baby to love.
thing about being pregnant:
up: Suddenly becoming wide in manner of Senator Edward Kennedy or Ann
throwing up all the time.
thing about throwing up all time:
up: can eat more cheese and potatoes
Suddenly understanding miracle of toilet. solid, dependable, magically
making vomit vanish in quasi-Hogwartian fashion.
home furnishing or bathroom fitting: Toilet.
everyday invention: Toilet.
underrated everyday fixture or fitting: Toilet. (Toilet is clearly going
to walk away with whole armful of awards like Norah Jones at Grammys in
year when brought out song which is now in lifts everywhere.)
honoured honoree on tonight's occasion: Toilet.
will: a) Halt dizzying slide into obesity caused by treating nausea like
hangover and eating whatever feel like, moment by moment, in attempt to
make it go away. Instead will be lead by books not instinct and eat eg
liver and egg white. b) Compensate for current too-large weight gain, by
under-gaining for rest of pregnancy - not by cutting back on nourishment
(for as pregnancy book chillingly explains "the baby cannot live on your
flesh alone, no matter how ample") - but by cutting back on shit like
ice cream, cheese, and potatoes. c) Accept that stuffing cheese and
ice-cream is not made all right by calcium. d) Stop growing wide but
instead develop endearing front-facing bump like normal pregnant people.
e) Stop buying more and more tiny baby outfits such as, as Magda says,
will only fit baby for 3 weeks and anyway newborn babies do not need
Uggi Boots: instead buy boring but necessary things like bottle
steriliser, car seat and changing table. f) Tell Richard Finch am
pregnant, having first checked out rights under the law on internet.
favourite moments of year:
thought pregnancy was menopause.
in middle of celebrating conception of first born with Mark Darcy, DNA
clinic rang to say father was Daniel Cleaver.
told Daniel he was baby's father and he put phone down on me.
Daniel came round to discuss pregnancy and said "You are going to get
rid of it, aren't you?
moments of year:
threw up cherry-coloured vomit in Daniel's new Mercedes. Harharhar.
looked at pregnancy test and saw blue line in window.
did subsequent 17 pregnancy tests and still saw blue lines in windows.
bought first babygro with teddies on and put it on bed next to me as if
parcel arrived from Daniel - just as was leaving sadly for Mum and Dad's
for Christmas, which contained tiny pair of bootees with card saying: "To
mini-Bridget. Happy First Unborn Christmas with love from your Daddy."