Friday, December 5

9st 2lb (doom! - but still time to lose stone before Christmas); alcohol units 4 (final build-up to pre-Christmas abstinence); cigarettes 19 (disgusting self with smoking vileness, ready to give up for New Year); calories 5,284 (better).

8pm: Feeling mounting tide of Christmas panic, and existential despair-style sense that have already left everything too late. Problem compounded by image-bombardment from shops and magazines of aspirational World of Christmas; beautiful, expensive, smelling of department-store perfume counters and draped with silk lingerie and glamorously wrapped gifts: in stark contrast to own World-of-Christmas foraging sub-existence: no decorations, no food in fridge, and self-lurching neurotically between sordid parties, worrying about failure to Christmas shop, and nursing daytime cumulative hangover with whatever seems necessary - e.g. chips with cheese.

Hideous build-up of exam-style pressure. Self's usual recurring exam nightmare (no revision) replaced with family Christmas Morning nightmare, when have not have bought anyone any sodding gifts. Determined, though, to be better this year. Am going to actually do things instead of just making lists.

Tonight, for example, am staying in to find all Christmas cards purchased in recent years but never sent, then send them.

Actually will make plan first, in manner of management consultant.

Festive Season Plan

I will:    

1.      Spend Christmassy evenings writing cards well in advance, in front of tree and fire (hmmmm: if had tree or fire).  

2.      Get fit, thin and eat lightly so do not spend festive season bloatedly fearing explosive clothes burst-out.  

3.      Buy lovely party dress early so do not end up leaving bizarre panic-buy unworn behind sofa while sporting ancient Top Shop black dress at every single party for fifth year running, telling self can always "dress it up" with e.g. pom-poms and then not doing.  

4.      Insist on being treated by family as if at least human, even though single.  

5.      Hold open-house weekend with mince pies, scented candles, etc. in slacks or satin housecoat in manner of e.g. Zsa Zsa Gabor, Princess Margaret or similar.  

6.      Keep food in house so am nourished (or definitely milk, anyway).  

7.      Buy clever, stylish presents such as featured in magazine "gift ideas".  

8.      Avoid being alone in London between Christmas and New Year, when will inevitably become overwhelmed by sense of social isolation, drink best part of bottle of wine and start sobbing.  

9.      Set aside evenings for gift-wrapping with cinnamon sticks etc. instead of buying garish 5p-a-sheet in Oxford Street and screwing presents up in it in taxis, attempting to use lip gloss as glue.  

I will not:                              

1.      Drink at parties, in order to avoid nauseous, acidic, daily head-endurance test.  

2.      Become so irritated if receive more than three cards, "From your paper boy", that determine not to tip paperboy, then guiltily overcompensate so wildly that paperboy decides tip is love-token and spends next three months trying to persuade me to accompany him to amusement arcades.  

3.      Mind if receive more Christmas cards from garages, paperboys, depressing hotels stayed in three years ago than friends.  

4.      Be annoyed by Mum spending all December telling me what dress to wear on Christmas Day, then, when I turn up in it, saying: "Oh, I thought you'd have worn your trouser suit."  

5.      Obsess about how many Christmasses have had without boyfriend.  

6.      Obsess about how everyone else in world except me is clustered around Xmas Trees, smiling dewy-eyed in nuclear families.

Aargh Is 9pm: Must start on Christmas cards immediately - or maybe Christmas card list. Hmmm. Question is, does it matter if you don't send Christmas cards? Sure there are people from whom have never in my life received a Christmas card. Is this rude? Always seems faintly ridiculous to send e.g. Jude or Shazzer a Christmas card when see them every other day. But then, if do not send cards, how can one expect pleasing display of cards in return? Except that, of course, sending cards never yields fruit until following year, unless send cards in first week of December but that would be unthinkable, Bored-Married-style behaviour. Hmm. Maybe should do list of pros and cons of sending cards ... Ooh goody, telephone.

9.30: Was Magda talking in strangled, over-controlled voice. "Bridget," she said amid background childish wails and Jeremy bellowing like a boar, "you're always moaning about how awful it is being a Singleton at Christmas. Well, [she started yelling] I have made a list of reasons why it is better to be single than married at Christmas and I hope you're sodding listening, Jeremy."

There was silence, then the crying and bellowing started again... "Right," she said viciously. "One: you can go to parties on your own instead of having to stay in every night because you can't get a babysitter while your husband is going to bloody 'Work Dos'.

"Two: you can get drunk once in a blue moon without a despotic marital lecture about breast-feeding babies alcohol. Three: you don't have to spend the entire year arguing about whose in-laws are coming to stay when you don't want any of them anyway.

"Four: you don't have to spend the week before Christmas cramming a hideous fleshy turkey into the oven to prove to your control-freak husband it will fit, cut its legs off, then endure a barrage of unfunny legless chickens in-law jokes for the rest of your bloody life. Five: you can sometimes get five minutes, five minutes! to yourself.

"And Six: you don't have to open the adulterous bastard's credit card statement and find..."

She started crying, "Oh Bridget, I'm sorry..." and then she put the phone down.

Oh, my God! Poor Magda. Does this mean I am going to have to send them separate Christmas cards?