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Just like a woman: our continuing series capturing the essence of a woman, pairing original images and prose from great artists and writers. Here, author Helen Fielding is inspired by art from John Wesley.
Harper's Bazaar - July 1st, 2002
Madam Chairperson, members of the council, ladies and gentlemen... ohmygod I think my bottom has just eaten my thong ... It is with great pleasure ... ow ... that I accept this award on behalf of myself and my incredible team, Dr. Amy Neil, Dr. Brad ... fuckwit ... O'Connor ... I can't believe that bastard didn't call ... Dr. Nick Reid, and Mary Lamb. It is a tremendous honor ... I hope he doesn't think I look fat up here ... not only for us, but for all those working in the challenging ... anyway I was really good just having bean salad for lunch ... rewarding... ohmygod it's yoga tonight... and endlessly exciting field of... I'll have to exercise yogic control and clench my ... ow... gene therapy. This prestigious award is, for us, a thrilling culmination of years of detailed work and intense ... ohmygod I left the iron on concentration. It highlights the importance of ... it's okay, Rosa comes today ... our project ... damn I forgot to leave her money out ... not only for those of us scientists gathered here today ... obmygod I see him now..., but for so many people throughout this country, and in fact, throughout the world, who are anxiously ... why didn't he call? why? why? ... awaiting cures... ooh they're clapping, I'm marvelous ... Though, as we all know, there are areas which to some are of ethical concern, there are few who could question the importance of work for our children and for our children's children... fat chance I have of having any children's children at this rate ... The project which you have honored today reached its conclusion, as you know, seven months ago. The work has, of course, continued. I am delighted to have with me this afternoon, hot off the press, the details of our latest findings, which, er ... fuck, these aren't the findings. Where are the findings? Ohmygod I've left them in Hello! in the hairdressers... er, which, as I don't want to look up in two hours' time and find you all asleep, I will summarize, briefly summarize, the er, statistics by saying ... I'm statistically too heavy for my height ... they have only served to enforce our original confidence in isolating this offensive gene... wish I could isolate offensive fuckwits... Our pride in being honored in this way today rewards the work of my excellent ... not including a certain fuckwit ... team: work which has, through being precise without being pedantic, rigorous without being rigid ... mmmm ... led to this satisfying climax... ohmygod we left the condom under the bed and Rosa's vacuuming... We make it our mission to constantly question our judgments and intuitions ... actually he only said he'd call, he didn't actually say last night ... as we continue to pursue this exciting work... lots of exciting work now my stock options are worthless ... We will strive, however ... I really shouldn't have had those beans ... to avoid the sense of inflated ... hold it in, clench, breathe, damn this thong ... ego, overconfidence ... yes I do mean you, Brad fuckwit ... which all too often distracts us scientists from and undermines those very achievements which we are all striving to, er ... shit, I've just said achieve ... er, attain... attain achievements? never mind ... It is therefore in a spirit of new determination, of new confidence ... am marvelous ... yet also humility ... am marvelous ... that we accept this gratifying, exciting award and look forward to ... maybe he'll ask me out when I come down ... the future... or not: bastard... Thank you! ... ohmygod I'm going to sneeze. I'll just do it quietly in my new blue sweater.
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